Manning the walls

I gave up last night.

It was during a local 5K race. I hammered out a good fast first mile. Then I got passive in the second mile, I just hung on. The third mile is when I gave up, I could have, should have, caught the runner ahead of me, but I just decided I didn’t want to. After that I looked over my shoulder and saw no one even close behind me, so I didn’t have to worry. I settled in and cruised in to the finish. Eighth place and a respectable time look fine on paper. Yet, it hides the fact that I gave up. I just didn’t want to feel the pain, nausea, and exhaustion of pushing a race to the limit. I ran a mediocre race.

It has happened in races before, sometimes you just don’t have it that day. So I won’t worry, I should bounce back.

But what happens when I give up at work or home? Or in the public and political sphere?

At some point after a lifetime of battles, many of them losing or at best inconclusive, I am beginning to lose the energy to engage in the never ending war against entrenched money, power, ignorance, fear, and hate. The emotional pain, nausea, and exhaustion have worn me down.

Helping rescue cats and kittens from shelters and the streets is draining. Almost daily I witness human ignorance, indifference and cruelty. I see the results, too often fatal to a poor helpless animal. It never stops and the animals continue to suffer and die. Yes, we have saved cats and kittens, but it feels like a drop in the bucket. It’s not enough. How much death can I take?

I’ve seen a steady stream of students who have sat in those rows of seats in my classes and shown deliberate ignorance and a stubborn indifference to facts. So many students whose minds have been firmly closed by preachers and teachers and parents. So many students who simply want to buy a vocational degree to get a job, and are actively hostile to actually learning something. Yes, we have a number of brilliant, creative, imaginative, wonderful students, but it feels like a drop in the bucket. They are too few. How much ignorance can I take?

The political sphere in my lifetime has clearly declined. Lies win. The more a lie is told and repeated the more it sticks. Fear and hate win. The constant repetition of false threats stoke the base emotions. I have never been so depressed about the political situation in my life. Reason doesn’t work, everyone has their own reality drawn from a corner of internet. Why fight this irresistible wave of barbarism?

I am drawn to the dangerous use of an historical episode as metaphor. I’ll use it because it’s how I feel. The Siege of Constantinople lasted seven weeks through April and May, 1453. The defenders were outnumbered 10 to 1, but hung on day after day, fighting in breach after breach, stopping very attack. Until, finally, one fateful morning one group of soldiers gave up hope when their captain died, and they retreated. The enemy broke through the gap and the city fell.

I can’t give up. We can’t give up. Outnumbered, outgunned, no hope of relief or reinforcement, exhausted, wounded, weapons blunted, but the moment we give up it all falls and darkness descends.

I won’t give up today.